Day 1

As I listened to his heart, I thought to myself, “good, no murmurs…I’m still not sure how to describe those anyway….” What I didn’t ponder was the possibility that in less than 24 hours this heart would no longer beat. A heart that previously fueled a person who was active and outgoing…..a heart that was loved and loved in return family and friends….What do you do when the unexpected happens? When tragedy strikes? What do you do when the wind is literally knocked out of you with the death of a previously healthy child? On my very first day of my very clinical rotation, I was assigned a patient. At first, I only knew his hypothesized diagnosis. I researched the disease until I could meet the patient. Then I met the family. Concerned, respectful, open and helpful. The very fact that they would allow a medical student to come in and ask them 1,000 questions that they’ve already been asked MULTIPLE times is significant. But the fact that they welcomed me into their lives at the most vulnerable moment possible is humbling. And then I met my patient. In obvious pain but compliant, I examined him to the best of my ability. Throughout the day I stopped by and served as a ‘gopher’ for answers to questions and basic necessities. I was happy to fulfill this role; one of the only things I feel confident doing at this point. I stopped by to say goodnight at the end of the long day, and told them I would be back bright and early in the morning. Only the morning was not quite so bright. Overnight, my patient quickly deteriorated and could not be saved. Stunned….and a bit unsure I asked what had happened. No one was quite sure but everything had been done. I was assigned new patients and the day continued. Although all the staff were visibly distraught over the situation, there was work to be done and other children to serve. And yet I felt the pressing need to reflect, process, and yes, pray. We had a brief moment in the day so I went to visit the family (who had not left the hospital). My heart pounded as I proceeded to the room. What do you say???? Do I give them a hug???? My heart was literally broken in two over a group of people who had been strangers only two days ago. Certainly God intertwines all things. Was it chance that this was my assignment? I don’t think so. The day before I had heard the mom offer a plea for prayer to a friend. At the time, I knew my professional role was to remain detached in the religious arena. So I didn’t tell the parents, but I began my own prayers. Today as I stepped through the room, I decided professionalism or not, now is the time to be a fellow believer in Christ. As I knelt by the mother, I told her although it may not make things better, I wanted her to know that myself, and my family had been and would continue to pray. I think the nurse heard me. She wasn’t thrilled I was there in the first place. Overall, I felt at a loss for words. I’m still not sure what else I could have said. I think I might try and find a chaplain in the hospital and ask how they interact with the families in these situations. Certainly, the scientific and medical approach I’ve been taught feels less than adequate.

I had two new patients today. One has already left the hospital; the other although ill will not face any significant damage in the long run. Tomorrow I’ll be given new patients and meet new families. I’ll walk by the same room my patient died in last night and there will be new children in his place. Last night I read Jesus’s parable about the talents. When I went to work today, I was determined to invest the five talents I’ve been given (intelligence, people skills, etc) and reap five in return. And although I don’t know much yet and I can’t help much medically, I am determined to give my all. So tomorrow and each day I’m going to consider the burden and responsibility a healer carries. And praise the Healer who is ultimately in control.

Please pray for all the families in our hospital facing loss today, but especially for my patient’s family.