jumbled.....

Gone are the days of hanging out with musicians until 4 in the morning. Going to concerts twice a week is no longer feasible. Even Reggae Tuesday is going to take a hit. So what happens next? Is this "growing-up"? Am I confined to a life of boring nights, collapsing into bed and then waking up before the sun? I don't really mind the decrease in free time, what I do mind is the lack of adventure in the free time I have. I miss adventure. I need distraction. And I don't want my free time to involve medicine. This is a very frustrating transition. I LOVE work; I couldn't be happier. This is what I was made to do. BUT, working 24/7 is unhealthy. And I need an escape.......

Sleepy.....

Another busy week at the Children's Hospital! From what I can tell, we're busier than usual for July. Luckily, my team is great under pressure. Everyone stays patient and friendly despite the work load and lack of sleep. I was exhausted this week but drank a few extra coke zeroes and pressed on. Mom was thrilled to know I stopped dropping weight (5 pounds in the first two weeks unintentionally) and I attribute that to my now daily brownie intake :) I'm anxious to get back to Gainesville and my usual schedule. I miss sushi, working out, and my FRIENDS. I came back this weekend for a day of rest. It's been so nice to sleep in my own bed. Tomorrow I'm on call back in Jax so I'll leave early tomorrow morning.

My biggest struggle this week was anxiety over my patients. The simple truth is that I am not in control. I've never been good with that in any situation. So I'm learning what it means to leave it alone. Unfortunately, the control freak in me is fighting back. I need to trust that when I leave at the end of the day I'm leaving my patients in good hands and even more important, in God's hands. Please pray for me as I tease that out in the next several months.

This will be my last week at the Children's Hospital. I have several assignments due but it should be a fun week regardless. I think my team is going out for dinner or drinks at some point. I'll miss working with them. Hope you all have a lovely week! I can't believe August is upon us already!

What Makes My Heart Sing......

There were MULTIPLE occasions during my first two years of medical school that I questioned my career choice. Medicine is a business, it’s political, the patients can be rude, they often don’t take responsibility for their own health, etc. But when I left the hospital this Friday, all I could think was that my heart is FULL. I can’t imagine being more fulfilled and happier in any other job. I worked 14 hours on Friday; my feet were aching; my head was pounding; and all I could think was I LOVE THIS. Yes we lose patients and that is and will always be a tragedy, but we help a lot of people. And let’s just be honest, working with kids all day is pretty fun. This week I played an arcade game with one patient, watched the Disney Channel with another, and heard about one boy’s dream to play football for the Florida Gators and Jacksonville Jaguars. We have the unique privilege of entering into people’s lives. And sometimes they aren’t the most compliant or kind, but it’s still really cool.

At Calvary Baptist Church in Waco they ask every new member what makes their heart sing. I always pondered exactly what I would say…..but now I know.

Excited for the week ahead!!

A Dose of Perspective

Working in healthcare will certainly adjust your perspective. In the hospital, everything matters. One lab result can change the course of treatment. Each choice influences the path of illness for that patient. Every staff member from the tech to the surgeon has to be on top of their game at all times. What we do has a profound impact. That kind of responsibility is humbling and frankly quite scary. But I’m most surprised to find that it’s quite exhilarating at the same time. Of course right now, as a student, my contribution is minimal, but as a whole, my team is really making a difference. We are saving lives and even if the disease is not life-threatening, we are still an intricate part of that person’s health. Pediatrics is interesting because an entire family is usually involved. The parents want to be there, so the other siblings are usually there. Even grandparents come to help. Illness is truly affecting the whole household. And what we do as healthcare providers is affecting that entire household as well, hopefully for the better. No we’re not perfect, so it’s not always the ideal interaction. But we still keep trying.

Now here’s where I’m stuck today. When everything at work means so much, carries so much weight, how do you come home and face the more trivial things in life? How do I continue to be patient and sensitive to others even when their concerns seem trivial compared to work? And this doesn’t just apply to others, it applies to me. What does it matter if my shower is lukewarm instead of hot, or that my dorm room is cold and bare? It’s not the end of the world if I don’t work out EVERY day and eat a perfectly healthy diet. But at the same time, those parts of life are necessary. If I lived under the constant pressure of the hospital, all day, every day and never left, I’d burn out. There has to be a time for the trivial. So I guess I’ll just have to keep working this one out. No answers yet.

Day 1

As I listened to his heart, I thought to myself, “good, no murmurs…I’m still not sure how to describe those anyway….” What I didn’t ponder was the possibility that in less than 24 hours this heart would no longer beat. A heart that previously fueled a person who was active and outgoing…..a heart that was loved and loved in return family and friends….What do you do when the unexpected happens? When tragedy strikes? What do you do when the wind is literally knocked out of you with the death of a previously healthy child? On my very first day of my very clinical rotation, I was assigned a patient. At first, I only knew his hypothesized diagnosis. I researched the disease until I could meet the patient. Then I met the family. Concerned, respectful, open and helpful. The very fact that they would allow a medical student to come in and ask them 1,000 questions that they’ve already been asked MULTIPLE times is significant. But the fact that they welcomed me into their lives at the most vulnerable moment possible is humbling. And then I met my patient. In obvious pain but compliant, I examined him to the best of my ability. Throughout the day I stopped by and served as a ‘gopher’ for answers to questions and basic necessities. I was happy to fulfill this role; one of the only things I feel confident doing at this point. I stopped by to say goodnight at the end of the long day, and told them I would be back bright and early in the morning. Only the morning was not quite so bright. Overnight, my patient quickly deteriorated and could not be saved. Stunned….and a bit unsure I asked what had happened. No one was quite sure but everything had been done. I was assigned new patients and the day continued. Although all the staff were visibly distraught over the situation, there was work to be done and other children to serve. And yet I felt the pressing need to reflect, process, and yes, pray. We had a brief moment in the day so I went to visit the family (who had not left the hospital). My heart pounded as I proceeded to the room. What do you say???? Do I give them a hug???? My heart was literally broken in two over a group of people who had been strangers only two days ago. Certainly God intertwines all things. Was it chance that this was my assignment? I don’t think so. The day before I had heard the mom offer a plea for prayer to a friend. At the time, I knew my professional role was to remain detached in the religious arena. So I didn’t tell the parents, but I began my own prayers. Today as I stepped through the room, I decided professionalism or not, now is the time to be a fellow believer in Christ. As I knelt by the mother, I told her although it may not make things better, I wanted her to know that myself, and my family had been and would continue to pray. I think the nurse heard me. She wasn’t thrilled I was there in the first place. Overall, I felt at a loss for words. I’m still not sure what else I could have said. I think I might try and find a chaplain in the hospital and ask how they interact with the families in these situations. Certainly, the scientific and medical approach I’ve been taught feels less than adequate.

I had two new patients today. One has already left the hospital; the other although ill will not face any significant damage in the long run. Tomorrow I’ll be given new patients and meet new families. I’ll walk by the same room my patient died in last night and there will be new children in his place. Last night I read Jesus’s parable about the talents. When I went to work today, I was determined to invest the five talents I’ve been given (intelligence, people skills, etc) and reap five in return. And although I don’t know much yet and I can’t help much medically, I am determined to give my all. So tomorrow and each day I’m going to consider the burden and responsibility a healer carries. And praise the Healer who is ultimately in control.

Please pray for all the families in our hospital facing loss today, but especially for my patient’s family.